“We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour – unceasingly. That is the great work among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.” Henri Nouwen
Love, forgiveness and second chances are the best gifts we can give others … but why is it so difficult to give these gifts to ourselves and to others?
When family health issues enter our lives and particularly at the holiday season, feelings of guilt are often magnified – guilt over things we have done, or things we have failed to do. We may feel we have not done enough or that we have wronged another. Sometimes these feelings of guilt are legitimate; sometimes they are needless. Whatever its origin, guilt remains one of the most powerfully toxic emotions we can experience. Its toxicity grows stronger with time, eating away at our emotional and physical well-being, our relationships, and our daily lives.
We all carry the baggage of past mistakes or regrets. Some of us feel so heavily burdened by feelings of remorse that we become paralyzed—afraid to feel, to continue relationships, to move forward. Or we may deny these feelings, and mask them by blaming others for their behavior or for causing our guilt. Denial is deceptive: it may seem easier in the short term, but it exacts a heavier toll on us over time.
True forgiveness brings peace: it promotes healing; it is the ultimate liberation; it restores the presence of grace in our lives. It allows us to let go of the harmful weight of resentment, anger, sadness, and pain.
But true forgiveness is not a gratuitous apology or simply “forgetting about it.” True forgiveness requires something significant from us; it is a journey that takes time, diligence, and commitment.
This holiday season we can begin this journey, starting with these steps:
· Honest reflection. Are we carrying guilt because of something we did, or are we inflicting guilt upon ourselves needlessly? Prayer and meditation allow us the privacy to be as honest as possible, and to see our actions and emotions in a new light. Pray for the strength and humility to seek forgiveness when necessary and to forgive yourself.
· Writing about your feelings with as much detail as you can. Describe how the situation started and your role. Make a list of your unresolved feelings. Putting these things on paper brings new clarity and insight.
· Taking responsibility and making restitution to others when necessary. The path to forgiveness usually requires a sincere and humble apology. Whenever possible, the apology must be followed by restoring the harm we have done to another. Most theology teaches that we should provide reparation as far as possible for an injury we have done to another. If you have said unkind things about another or judged them harshly, reparation involves not only sincere contrition, but also retracting the hurtful things we’ve said and attempting to correct the damage we may have done. Perhaps nothing in life requires more courage and humility than restitution. And when we are forgiving ourselves, reparation means truly letting go and moving forward.
· Putting an end to the behavior that caused the guilt. The old adage applies, “We can’t be forgiven for the sins we keep committing.” If you have done someone harm (even unintentionally), the behavior needs to stop. If your honest reflection reveals that you have been carrying guilt needlessly, you need to stop holding on to counterproductive feelings.
· Practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice. It requires discipline, practice, and patience. When we forgive others who have hurt us, we make a conscious choice. Forgiving ourselves requires nothing less. Forgiveness does not come naturally to any of us. The theologian Lewis Smedes wrote, “Nobody but God is a real pro at forgiveness. We are amateurs and bunglers.” Being perfect at forgiveness is not necessary; what matters is our commitment to the process.
· Putting an end to the wait. Our days are numbered, literally and figuratively. Forgiveness is always for our own benefit. It frees us. Don’t wait for another to act first; don’t count on more time. Seek and give forgiveness now. Don’t wait for permission to forgive yourself; start today.
· Coming to closure. If you make every attempt at reparation and someone chooses not to forgive you, accept that you have done your best and release yourself from guilt. If you were unable to seek the forgiveness of a loved one who is deceased, have faith that God provides us the opportunity in eternity.
· Destroying your guilt list. Once you have made the choice to lift your own burden of guilt, you won’t need to retain the list. Destroy it. Or tear it into little pieces, put them in a balloon, and let it float away. You might be surprised by how powerful these simple and symbolic acts of release can be.
Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness this year?
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