The holidays are a traditional time for family gatherings. But in a caregiving household, holiday gatherings can be a source of tremendous stress – particularly if there are unresolved conflicts, or when distant family members are unprepared for the physical or emotional changes the ill or elderly family member and caregiver are experiencing.
The key to easing these conflicts? Communicating before guests arrive. Caregivers should describe what their guests will experience upon arrival; for example, distant friends and family may be surprised by changes in their loved one’s physical appearance, memory, mental state, energy level, or appetite. Prepare them for special medical issues that will become quickly apparent, including mobility impairment or incontinence. Counsel them if their loved one is unlikely to recognize them. Explaining these things up fronts will help set realistic expectations for the visit and ease everyone’s awkwardness or distress.
Too often, caregivers find themselves in the middle of family discord as they try to mediate the needs of the older or ailing family member. They may feel resentful towards family members who they feel have not offered enough assistance; or they may feel that their household has been “invaded” (even by well-intentioned relatives) and that carefully established routines are being interrupted. Here too, setting expectations before the visit is crucial: be sure your guests know what they need to know about the caregiving routine and offer them specific ideas for helping.
Some caregivers mistakenly decide to “say nothing” or to put their feelings “on hold” until after the holiday season passes. In truth, the holidays can provide unique opportunities for better communication, connection, and support from family and friends. These conversations may help reduce some of the feelings of isolation and lack of appreciation that caregivers commonly experience.
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