It’s New Year’s Eve and the annual (often guilt-inflicting) tradition begins: making a New Year’s resolution. If you are caring for an ill or elderly loved one and you decide to make a resolution, it’s especially important that you remember to:
·Be realistic. Break big goals into small, manageable parts. If you decide to take better care of yourself in 2011, start with a 10-minute walk each day; if you can’t leave your home, try morning and evening stretching exercises. Or consider swapping your daily dose of cookies for a piece of fresh fruit.
·Start where you are, with what you have. You are far more likely to stay committed to a resolution if the activity is accessible and convenient. Joining a health club is helpful only if you can afford to make the time on a regular basis.
·Try new and pleasurable things. Resolutions don’t need to be about self-denial. Make a resolution to learn something new each month. Spend the winter months reading about gardening. Try your hand at writing poetry, painting, or knitting. Resolve to experiment with new recipes each month.
·Focus on your progress. Give yourself credit for what you accomplish – don’t focus on what you fail to do. Don’t punish yourself if you cannot complete your goal for that day. Each day is a fresh start.
·Team up with a friend or even your ill or elderly loved one. This gives you a source of support, strengthens your commitment, and allows you and them to enjoy camaraderie. Why not consider starting a book club with your ill or elderly family member, or keep a journal together?
Caregivers often want to soothe the aches and pains that afflict their loved ones, calm worries and fears, and promote a peaceful environment. Massages are relaxing, enjoyable, and a simple form of pampering. Giving a massage may ease another’s tension, while bringing a sense of peace to the masseuse herself. Best of all, massages provide us with the gift of touch and time with a loved one.
You do not need to be professionally licensed to practice some simple massage techniques. Here are some basic beginner’s tips:
Create a calm environment by creating an atmosphere of quiet, serenity, and privacy. Close the door, dim the lights, play soft music. A mildly scented candle may also be pleasurable – but do not burn candles in areas where supplemental oxygen is utilized.
Massages to neck, shoulder and back regions are often given with the person lying face down on a soft and steady surface, but that is not always possible. Head and neck massages can be given with the individual sitting forward in a chair. Hands and feet are also areas that benefit from massage. All of these parts of the body carry a lot of tension and feel the greatest relief.
Using warmed body oil or thin lotion makes it easier to move hands against skin. It is also more soothing and relaxing for some people. Use care that these oils or lotions are not highly scented because that may become overpowering in a closed environment or when skin contact is prolonged. Any skin irritation resulting from these products needs to be corrected immediately by cleaning the irritant off the skin with warm, soapy water; rinsing; gently drying; and then discontinuing use of the product.
Stand beside or behind the person and begin by using a circular motion of the hands, applying slight pressure (as tolerated), and beginning with the neck region. Run hands down the person's neck and over the person's shoulders. A gentle bread-kneading motion of the shoulders may also be used. Glide palms down to the back region. Apply some pressure in a circular motion on the lower back and work your way up to the area around the shoulder blades. Repeat the massage on any areas that are still tense. Never apply too much pressure; it may give the person sore muscles instead of relief. And always respect the other person’s comfort level.
Hand and feet massages should be given with both individuals in comfortable positions. Smooth, gentle stroking can be very comforting. but too much pressure can be painful to bonier areas. If an individual suffers from blood clots in the legs, avoid all massaging to the calves and legs.
Caregivers, especially, can benefit from massage as a pressure-reliever. Enjoy the gift of touch and time shared with each other.
Complementary medicine is widely used for individuals receiving hospice services. These therapies are offered as adjuncts to the conventional health care directed towards pain and symptom management. Many hospices also offer “caregiver days” and extend these benefits to primary caregivers.
Hospices routinely offer these adjunct therapies:
Aromatherapy
Art Therapy
Massage Therapy
Music Therapy
Pet Therapy
Therapeutic Touch
Reflexology
Reiki, a Japanese spiritual healing practice
Imagery
These complementary therapies are often very successful in providing relaxation, relieving emotional and physical pain, and promoting spiritual comfort.
Some personal care homes, assisted living, rehab and long-term care facilities offer similar services. In-home massage therapy is also offered by private providers.
Even with the holidays behind us, we may continue to feel stressed, tired, or sluggish. How can we move beyond these feelings?
Consider trying Tai Chi (tie-chee), the ancient Chinese exercise that is often referred to as “meditation in motion.”
Tai Chi is a self-paced program that incorporates rhythmic stretching with controlled breathing to help achieve a sense of inner calm. This exercise involves graceful movements that flow into each other. The concentration required for Tai Chi requires the practitioner to live in the present moment, putting aside distressing thoughts. By combining focus, grace, and fluidity, Tai Chi promotes serenity.
Tai Chi requires no special equipment, can be done indoors or out, and can be done alone or with a group. Most forms are gentle and suitable for everyone, regardless of age or ability. Contact your local YMCA/YWCA or senior center for possible group sessions or pick up a Tai Chi video at your local library.
…Way too many of us wind up feeling depleted, disappointed, or depressed. After-Christmas blues can be as inevitable as after-Christmas sales. Even if caregivers experience simpler and quieter holidays than in years past, they still can be susceptible to post-Christmas blues. Why?
·Too much or too little time with family and friends
·Fatigue
·Unmet expectations
·Looking forward only to a long, grey stretch of winter
It is possible to reduce the post-Christmas blues, especially if we start before Christmas. Perhaps the single-best preventive measure is to avoid over-extending ourselves financially, physically, or emotionally during the holidays. Moderation can work miracles in reducing stress and despair.
We can also take actions immediately after Christmas to stem the blues. We can:
·Begin a new book or daily journal. Time may not be abundant, but even 5 stolen minutes a day can be rejuvenating.
·Engage in physical activity. If you find yourself home-bound out of necessity, even simple stretching exercises can increase your energy level and lift your mood.
·Plan a new “event.” Although full-time caregivers are unlikely to maintain a full social schedule, you can set smaller goals to look forward to, even ones as simple as movie night or game night.
·Watch your diet. Continuing to over-indulge in holiday leftovers can make us feel worse (even if we are indulging in our favorite seasonal foods).
·Forego unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. Go easy on yourself. If you enjoy goal-setting, why not set positive goals that are nurturing (not punishing)? Maybe it’s as simple as deciding to make time once a month for a massage or manicure. And there’s no need to wait until January 1st to begin rewarding yourself.
·Recognize the good you do. December 26th is the perfect holiday for caregivers: it is the Feast of St. Stephen, which also became known as Boxing Day throughout the British Empire because it was the day when the rich would “box up” gifts for the poor. It is still celebrated as a day to do good for others – the ultimate caregiver mission.
At Christmas time, perhaps you recall the beautiful and classic O. Henry story, The Gift of the Magi. The story is about a young couple – Jim and Della – who have very little money. Each of them possesses a cherished treasure and a profound love for one and other. As the story goes, Jim and Della each sacrifice their beloved treasure to buy a gift to enhance the other’s treasure.
The story of this young couple teaches us many timeless lessons about love, sacrifice, and caregivng. Most of all, this story teaches us that the true meaning of Christmas is never about the gift; it is always about the act of giving – the care, love, and sacrifice behind the gift.
The gifts that caregivers bestow on their ill and aging loved ones are the purest examples I have witnessed of the depth of human love and the height of sacrifice. Caregivers give their most precious treasure – their energy, time, attention, and emotional investment – to enhance the most precious treasure – the mortal life – of another. Caregivers sacrifice the “normalcy” of every-day life to focus on the well-being of another. They suspend their own social and professional lives, their free time, and all too often their own health and well-being simply to aid, support, nurture, and attend to the needs of another. The quality of this gift cannot be measured by commercial worth; it can only be measured by the exquisite and irreplaceable worth of human lives and human love.
What gift does the caregiver get in exchange? For many, it is the precious gift of time: a quality if not quantity of time spent with a loved one in great need. For others, it is the enormous gift of new wisdom – wisdom gained through the experience of easing another’s suffering. For all caregivers, the most abundant gift is a new way of reckoning the value of life; of recognizing that each day is extraordinarily precious. Only by experiencing the struggle for well-being can any individual understand the enormous gifts of health, independence, and mortal life itself.
If you have not read The Gift of the Magi recently, I encourage you to read it today. It’s short enough for a family to read aloud and it is available here:
I close today with the story’s lovely concluding passage that captures what is in my heart:
"And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi." (O. Henry)
Merry Christmas to all caregivers, our modern-day Magi.
I received my Christmas gift early this year -- in June.
My father had to undergo open heart surgery. My big, strong Dad who had none of the usual symptoms of heart disease suddenly had to face his own mortality. My mother, shaken with the unexpected diagnosis and the decisions that needed to be made immediately, also had to face the vulnerability of their lives together.
I suddenly went from being the nurse managing the problems of others to being the daughter with far too much knowledge of what could happen. This was my Dad whom I loved dearly and I wasn’t prepared to lose him, nor was I prepared to have my mother weaken and fall ill too.
In a very short period of time, I experienced an intense measure of the exhaustion and fear that so very many caregivers face daily. Over the next weeks, my roles vacillated from daughter to caregiver to cheerleader to nurse and back again. I was blessed to be joined in this process by other immediate family members who shared the weight and responsibilities of the situation.
We were told that without the surgery my Dad would most likely suffer a very serious -- perhaps fatal -- heart attack by Christmas. We have been very blessed as my father has recovered and looks and feels better than he had in a very long time. My mother is also doing very well.
I have learned many lessons this year. One lesson I already knew but was powerfully reinforced in our time of need was that the love of my family is the only gift I could ever want.
“We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour – unceasingly. That is the great work among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.” Henri Nouwen
Love, forgiveness and second chances are the best gifts we can give others … but why is it so difficult to give these gifts to ourselves and to others?
When family health issues enter our lives and particularly at the holiday season, feelings of guilt are often magnified – guilt over things we have done, or things we have failed to do. We may feel we have not done enough or that we have wronged another. Sometimes these feelings of guilt are legitimate; sometimes they are needless. Whatever its origin, guilt remains one of the most powerfully toxic emotions we can experience. Its toxicity grows stronger with time, eating away at our emotional and physical well-being, our relationships, and our daily lives.
We all carry the baggage of past mistakes or regrets. Some of us feel so heavily burdened by feelings of remorse that we become paralyzed—afraid to feel, to continue relationships, to move forward. Or we may deny these feelings, and mask them by blaming others for their behavior or for causing our guilt. Denial is deceptive: it may seem easier in the short term, but it exacts a heavier toll on us over time.
True forgiveness brings peace: it promotes healing; it is the ultimate liberation; it restores the presence of grace in our lives. It allows us to let go of the harmful weight of resentment, anger, sadness, and pain.
But true forgiveness is not a gratuitous apology or simply “forgetting about it.” True forgiveness requires something significant from us; it is a journey that takes time, diligence, and commitment.
This holiday season we can begin this journey, starting with these steps:
·Honest reflection. Are we carrying guilt because of something we did, or are we inflicting guilt upon ourselves needlessly? Prayer and meditation allow us the privacy to be as honest as possible, and to see our actions and emotions in a new light. Pray for the strength and humility to seek forgiveness when necessary and to forgive yourself.
·Writing about your feelings with as much detail as you can. Describe how the situation started and your role. Make a list of your unresolved feelings. Putting these things on paper brings new clarity and insight.
·Taking responsibility and making restitution to others when necessary. The path to forgiveness usually requires a sincere and humble apology. Whenever possible, the apology must be followed by restoring the harm we have done to another. Most theology teaches that we should provide reparation as far as possible for an injury we have done to another. If you have said unkind things about another or judged them harshly, reparation involves not only sincere contrition, but also retracting the hurtful things we’ve said and attempting to correct the damage we may have done. Perhaps nothing in life requires more courage and humility than restitution. And when we are forgiving ourselves, reparation means truly letting go and moving forward.
·Putting an end to the behavior that caused the guilt. The old adage applies, “We can’t be forgiven for the sins we keep committing.” If you have done someone harm (even unintentionally), the behavior needs to stop. If your honest reflection reveals that you have been carrying guilt needlessly, you need to stop holding on to counterproductive feelings.
·Practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice. It requires discipline, practice, and patience. When we forgive others who have hurt us, we make a conscious choice. Forgiving ourselves requires nothing less. Forgiveness does not come naturally to any of us. The theologian Lewis Smedes wrote, “Nobody but God is a real pro at forgiveness. We are amateurs and bunglers.” Being perfect at forgiveness is not necessary; what matters is our commitment to the process.
·Putting an end to the wait. Our days are numbered, literally and figuratively. Forgiveness is always for our own benefit. It frees us. Don’t wait for another to act first; don’t count on more time. Seek and give forgiveness now. Don’t wait for permission to forgive yourself; start today.
·Coming to closure. If you make every attempt at reparation and someone chooses not to forgive you, accept that you have done your best and release yourself from guilt. If you were unable to seek the forgiveness of a loved one who is deceased, have faith that God provides us the opportunity in eternity.
·Destroying your guilt list. Once you have made the choice to lift your own burden of guilt, you won’t need to retain the list. Destroy it. Or tear it into little pieces, put them in a balloon, and let it float away. You might be surprised by how powerful these simple and symbolic acts of release can be.
Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness this year?
A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."
“The death of an old person is like the loss of a library.”- African proverb
When we are young, our parents and grandparents often enlighten us with tales and fables that teach life lessons. When they share their own real-life experiences they also teach us the invaluable lessons of our own history. Simple storytelling is one of the most effective ways to pass the gift of wisdom from one generation to another.
In our family, any gathering leads to storytelling by my parents and my surviving uncles. We sit back, listen and enjoy their real-life adventures as the Depression-era children of immigrants. The most precious of those stories focus on my grandparents arriving in America and making their way in a new country, proudly becoming citizens, raising large families in times of unimaginable economic devastation, and striving always to ensure better lives for their children. Each time I hear one of these stories, I am overwhelmed by their strength, humility, perseverance, and ingenuity. As often as I have heard these stories I never tire of them; I always take away a new lesson. And I come away with renewed love and respect – and with the certain realization that I come from sturdy stock, and I am expected to continue my family’s history.
We have a responsibility to encourage our elderly family members to share their stories. Starting a family history can be as simple as asking a grandparent, “What did it feel like when….?” You might be surprised how many precious memories are evoked when we show simple and respectful curiosity. We should record these stories so that they will be preserved and accessible for generations to come. Many families document their family histories in written journals; others use audio or visual technologies.
If our family stories are not recorded, they will vanish from our lives – and our own histories will be diminished. And our elderly family members need to share the real-life wisdom they have gained, the history of their predecessors, and their cherished traditions. When we memorialize our family legends, we are giving our rising generation the most precious legacy we can bestow.
So this Christmas, after the stockings are emptied and the gifts unwrapped, take the time to tell your family’s stories. You won’t regret it.
This is the time of when we enjoy visiting those we care about. If you are planning to visit someone who is currently ill, or someone who is caring for an ill or elderly family member, here are some suggestions:
·Always call first. If the family asks you not to visit at this time, please respect their request. If you arrange a visit and your plans change, notify them as soon as possible and ask them what is the best time or date to reschedule.
·Keep your visit short; 30 to 40 minutes is usually best for everyone involved. Be prepared to leave early if it becomes evident that the ill person or caregiver is tired, not feeling well, or unable to prolong the visit for any reason.
·Keep gifts small and useful. Even the best-intentioned gifts can create stress or awkwardness. Gifts that are too extravagant can overwhelm the recipient or make them feel guilty that they are not able to reciprocate. Large gifts can become large storage problems. Gift cards are tricky, too, if the recipient is homebound. Small items like ornaments, fresh fruit, home-made bread and jam, a cozy shawl, or a pair of warm socks or slippers are most often well received. If you are taking gifts to someone in a hospital, hospice facility, or assisted living home, be sure you observe the facility’s rules and restrictions.
·Structure your conversation around shared memories, and express gratitude for being able to visit. Talking about good times in the past is especially helpful to those suffering from memory problems. Refrain from remarking on the individual’s physical appearance or condition, or trying to reassure them that everything will be alright. While comments like “You look pale (or tired or thinner)” or “You look better all the time,” might be well-meaning, they are likely to come across as insensitive or insincere.
When I first met Aaron, I knew immediately that his cancer was much more advanced then he was describing to me and his desire to continue treatment was stronger than his physical ability to tolerate the treatments. His physician had left the decisions up to Aaron and his wife, Sylvia. We spent several weeks just trying to control his symptoms so that he could leave their home for chemotherapy to no avail; Aaron was slipping away from us despite his wishes.
Sylvia was wearing down too. She was trying to balance their financial needs by working six days a week to keep the family business running, to care for her very ill husband and to be a mommy to their five year old daughter, Alyssa. Sylvia was a very private person and was trying to handle everything on her own.
My visits to their home were chaotic; trying to assess Aaron’s needs, teach both Sylvia and Aaron how to meet these needs while being an audience to Alyssa’s post-school day tales. She had so much to share! It was at their request I visit at that time of day, as it was the only break Sylvia got from her duties outside the home until the store closed later in the evening.
Alyssa dearly loved her father and wanted Aaron to be the daddy she knew, but he couldn’t be that playful, attentive father any longer. He hurt, he was often confused or short tempered, when all Alyssa wanted to do was crawl up onto her father’s lap and pour out her stories.
As the holidays approached, Sylvia’s days became even more frenzied: school activities, family holiday shopping, and traditions increased and she wanted to do it all for her husband and daughter. I was privy to the special dress Alyssa would wear for the holiday, as she twirled around her father’s room demonstrating to us all. I listened to the song she would sing as Aaron tried in vain to watch and listen but the pain medication was taking effect. Alyssa so badly wanted him to watch her that her spinning and singing got faster and louder. Sylvia stood close by trying not to allow her daughter to see her tears.
It was at this point, after many discussions concerning their family needs, that Sylvia finally acknowledged that she needed to allow more family into their lives for everyone's sake. She had to learn to ask for help and to allow others to enter their special private world. Aaron’s family was more than willing to come and provide after-school and holiday activities for Alyssa. On one visit, I found Alyssa covered with cookie dough and proudly displaying holiday decorations she had prepared with the help of Aaron's family. Sylvia appeared more relaxed, and her attentions were not so sorely divided. Aaron was comfortable and able to enjoy his time with his daughter without the frenzy that often occurred when Sylvia was trying to maintain that delicate balance.
They were able to celebrate this last holiday together in their home, making sweet memories made for Alyssa and the entire family to carry into the future.
The best gifts come from the heart. Write a letter to someone special, set aside time to spend with an old friend, or promise to attend a grandchild’s school play.
Part XI: Family Gatherings
In-home entertaining may be the most comfortable for you and your loved one. Invite a small group for a potluck dinner, choose an item that is easiest for you to prepare or order out for home delivery, and use festive paper plates and cups for easy cleanup. Enjoy the gift of each other’s company
If your loved one is able to take a short car ride, make plans to visit the best holiday light displays in your community, or just drive through your neighborhood to look at house lights. Some of the best decorations of the season are those that you don’t have to put up, take down, and store!
Perhaps your best new tradition is just watching beloved holiday classics together, whether it be “A Christmas Carol”, “White Christmas” or “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”Pick your favorite videos (or ask a friend or neighbor to loan you some); prepare snacks and hot chocolate, dim the lights, and make a comfortable space for a night of Hollywood escapism at home.
Part VIII:Family Photo Albums
Spend an afternoon or evening looking through pictures of past holidays, share stories of those involved in these past Christmas celebrations. Choose one or two favorites to keep out or hang on the Christmas tree.
Our nation is reacting with shock and sadness to the unexpected death of renowned diplomat Richard Holbrooke, who died on Monday evening after surgery to repair a torn aorta. Early reports from the State Department suggest he suffered a blood clot on Friday, and some reports suggest that he had suffered from, and been quietly treated for, blood clots in the past.
When public figures die, their passing can create heightened public awareness of medical conditions that need immediate attention. Blood clots are serious matters, and even when successfully treated, they should cause us to be extremely vigilant and make appropriate lifestyle changes.
Simply put, blood clots are clumps that form when blood thickens from a liquid to a solid. Clots can attach to a blood vessel and partially or completely prevent the normal flow of blood in that vessel. Clots can also migrate to other areas of the body, often from the lower leg to the heart, lung or brain. Left untreated, blood clots can cause very serious problems and can be fatal. One estimate suggests that blood clots are responsible for 90 percent of all heart attacks.
What causes a blood clot?
The causes vary: sometimes, clots are related to genetic diseases, old age, surgery, body trauma, heart attack, respiratory conditions, or childbirth. Other causes are more condition-based and controllable: prolonged sitting (e.g., long plane or car rides), prolonged bed-rest or periods of immobility, and obesity. Our bed-ridden loved ones must be continually monitored for blood clots. But make no mistake: as our society has become more sedentary and as our nation battles an obesity epidemic, we should all take more preventive measures: better diets, regular exercise, and alertness to symptoms.
How can you tell when you have a clot?
If you have the type of clot that can cause a heart attack, the most recognizable symptom might be chest pain – but not all clots cause chest pain. Some will experience a tightness in the chest, pain in the jaw or shoulders, shortness of breath, nausea, sweating and even fainting.
If you have the type of clot that causes a pulmonary emboli (a clot in the lung), you may experience shortness of breath, sharp pain with your breathing or coughing up bloody sputum.
If you have the type of clot that can cause a stroke, you might feel the loss of sensation on one side of your body or face, headaches, confusion, garbled speech, a loss of balance or coordination, or even blindness.
If you have a blood clot affecting your leg, you might experience swelling, inflammation, redness, warmth, or tenderness in the leg, sharply shooting pains especially when you flex your foot, or a dull ache or throb in your calf particularly when walking. If you have these symptoms do not massage or rub your leg vigorously.
Any one of these symptoms is sufficient cause to consult your physician. Do not wait. Blood clots can be treatable, as long as they are not ignored.
The notion of decorating a Christmas tree (or even taking all our decorations out of storage) can be daunting to any of us, but especially for exhausted caregivers. If you and your loved one enjoy a tree but not the work associated with it, consider purchasing a smaller tree or decorating your traditional tree more simply this year, perhaps by creating paper chains or string popcorn. The simple hand-motions of creating these garlands can be good exercise for your loved one and help him/her feel very much a part of the holiday spirit, without being overtaking. The addition of a few well-loved ornaments may spark special memories.
If you are a church-going family but attending church services is impossible this year, pick a time each day to read a scripture relating to this season. You’ll find it provides you an extra dose of inspiration.
Part V: Advent Calendars.
If other decorations are not possible, one very simple way to adorn your home for the holidays is to display an Advent calendar. These are relatively inexpensive and widely accessible, and can be displayed very easily in any room of the home. You and your loved one can open a different “window” each day and make a wish or share a spiritual reflection. Best of all, the calendars are undated and can be used again next year.
“We all know well that we can do things for others and in the process, crush them, making them feel that they are incapable of doing things by themselves. To love someone is to reveal to them their capacities for life, the light that is shining in them.” –Jean Vanier
Part II: Christmas Card Rituals
Involve your loved one in helping you address your holiday cards if possible, add a quick note to let others know how you and your loved one are doing. Make it a daily ritual to read and share the cards you receive in the mail. Display cards in places where you both can gain maximum enjoyment from them. Read holiday letters aloud. Do fun things – like picking your favorite holiday card.
Part III: Christmas Music
Christmas carols can be enormously uplifting. Have them on as background music throughout the season, and take time to listen together to family favorites. Sing to one another.
Most family caregivers find they cannot continue all of their old holiday traditions: they may lack the time, energy, or money to decorate the house, host parties, bake cookies, or shop as in years past. While these changed circumstances can be hard at first, they can also be an opportunity to reflect upon the true meaning of this season while creating some new traditions that bring simple joys.
Over the next few days, I’ll highlight a few ideas and would love to post your ideas as well:
Part I: Gratitude Letters
"If the only prayer you say in your life is 'thank you', that would suffice." Meister Eckhart
The holiday season is a chance to give from our hearts. One way to do so is to take the timeto write simple notecards to those who have helped you this year: a kind neighbor, a church member, a colleague, a home health aide. Involve your loved one in writing these notes. Your spirits will likely be lifted by remembering the people whose small, daily graces have made your lives easier.
This is National Influenza Vaccination Week (see related article, “Vaccination Vacillation,” (http://caregiver2caregiver.blogspot.com/2010/11/vaccination-vacillation.html ), and caregivers need to think about what they will do if the person they are caring for – or anyone else in the home – becomes sick with the flu. The Center for Disease Control suggests an early course of action is creating a sick room – essentially, cordoning off a separate room in the home for the person with flu, to limit the potential for the flu to spread.
What are some of the essentials for a sick room? CDC advises:
·Tissues!
·Trash can with a disposable plastic liner and lid
·Alcohol-based hand cleanser
·Bedside pitcher with water and ice
·Straws or squeeze bottles for drinking
·Thermometer
·Humidifier
·Facemasks (for the sick person and the caregiver)
Many of these supplies and precautions are essential for the room of any sick person.
CDC reminds us that it is important to reduce all unnecessary traffic into and out of a sick room while the flu persists, and for the caregiver to wash his hands after contact with the sick person, with his/her tissues, dishware, and laundry. (This week is also National Handwashing Awareness Week.)
During this holiday season, it is important to ask family and friends to delay visiting if they are sick with a cold or flu. Likewise, inform potential guests if you or your loved one is ill.
The holidays are a traditional time for family gatherings. But in a caregiving household, holiday gatherings can be a source of tremendous stress – particularly if there are unresolved conflicts, or when distant family members are unprepared for the physical or emotional changes the ill or elderly family member and caregiver are experiencing.
The key to easing these conflicts? Communicating beforeguests arrive. Caregivers should describe what their guests will experience upon arrival; for example, distant friends and family may be surprised by changes in their loved one’s physical appearance, memory, mental state, energy level, or appetite. Prepare them for special medical issues that will become quickly apparent, including mobility impairment or incontinence. Counsel them if their loved one is unlikely to recognize them. Explaining these things up fronts will help set realistic expectations for the visit and ease everyone’s awkwardness or distress.
Too often, caregivers find themselves in the middle of family discord as they try to mediate the needs of the older or ailing family member. They may feel resentful towards family members who they feel have not offered enough assistance; or they may feel that their household has been “invaded” (even by well-intentioned relatives) and that carefully established routines are being interrupted. Here too, setting expectations before the visit is crucial: be sure your guests know what they need to know about the caregiving routine and offer them specific ideas for helping.
Some caregivers mistakenly decide to “say nothing” or to put their feelings “on hold” until after the holiday season passes. In truth, the holidays can provide unique opportunities for better communication, connection, and support from family and friends. These conversations may help reduce some of the feelings of isolation and lack of appreciation that caregivers commonly experience.
In the meantime, do your best to enjoy the holidays. Having the chance to have fun, laugh, and focus on something other than your at-home caregiving responsibilities can help keep stress at bay and maintain emotional balance.
