The Seventh Caregiver Right:

I have the right to take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my loved one.

As a young child, I watched my mother caring for her father -- my grandfather -- as he reached the last stages of his illness.  My mother was (and still remains) frightened of needles, but she learned to administer injections to relieve his pain.  I recall watching closely as she practiced on an orange.  She was tender and gentle and always fearful that she would hurt him.  Even as she cared for him, she was grieving the loss of her beloved parent while parenting two young daughters and working a fatiguing job outside the home.  Many nights, while my father worked night-shifts, she would bundle my younger sister and I up and drive to her parents home to help her father in the middle of the night.  Yet she wanted to do more for her parents.  It is now 50 years later and my mother still questions if she did all she could.  She has never given herself adequate credit for the sacrifices she made and the challenges she bravely faced.

We expect caregiving to be challenging and exhausting.  Yet we may not fully embrace the idea that caregiving can be among the most significant and satisfying accomplishments of our lives. 

The key to caregiving is communication.  Learning what your loved one wants and expects during this time is as important as acknowledging what you can and cannot provide.  These discussions are vital to the caregiving experience.

Once you and your loved one have reached these critical decision points, respect the choices you have made.  Your loved one’s choices may not be what you would have wanted for him, but if he is of sound mind, these choices should be honored to the best of your ability.  As hard as it is, setting end-of-life goals is as important as setting goals at any other stage in our lives.  Likewise, your needs and limitations as a caregiver should also be discussed and honored.

Often, those not closely involved with the day-to-day caregiving make suggestions or comments that may cause us to question the choices we, or our loved ones, have made.   In most cases, these comments are well intentioned, but they can rattle our confidence.  And – all too often – we allow our self-confidence to be shaken by questioning whether we are doing enough, and whether our earlier decisions were sound.   At times like these, we must consider the promises we have made, the progress we’ve already achieved, and the goals we are working toward.  Be directed by those decisions – not the opinions of others or group consensus.

During the most difficult times, give yourself credit for each task you complete and every challenge you meet.  Honor the fact that you have taken on some of the hardest responsibilities any human being can face.  Be gentle with yourself; be realistic about your expectations; don’t chide yourself for the things that don’t get done each day; and don’t compare yourself to other caregivers.  Your journey is unique. 

Make memories despite the challenges of caregiving.  Make the time to enjoy each other and each day – share favorite memories, sing, watch a movie, look at old family photos.  These simple activities will bring your comfort and remind you why you are the loving caregiver you are.