I have the right to receive consideration, affection, forgiveness and acceptance for what I do, from my loved ones, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.
Ryan and wife, Joan, had two children together, a girl and a boy. When their toddler son became ill with cancer, Joan left the family because she could not cope with the pain and loss that was to come.
Soon after, Ryan’s father moved in to help care for the children because Ryan had to continue to work to support the family. Several years past and the cancer gained control of this small boy’s life despite all attempts to stop it.
Over these years, Ryan reached out to his then ex-wife but she continued to have no contact with the family. Their daughter blossomed in her father and grandfather’s care, her love for her brother knew no bound, but her resentment for her mother had also grown very strong.
The child was entering the last days of his life and a well-meaning family counselor contacted the mother and convinced her to come say goodbye to her son so she would have no regrets later in her life. Joan’s arrival at the home was unannounced and not well received; the child in his last moments of life was unaware of her presence, her ex-husband was stunned, her father-in-law was distant, and her daughter was angry. She was so angry that she ran away from her brother’s side, crying uncontrollably.
Joan said her goodbyes to her son, but was hesitant to approach her daughter. The peace and love that had filled this small home, knowing that the child’s physical pain would soon come to an end, was shattered with shock, anger, and resentment.
There was no forgiveness for past decisions.
The path of our lives is rarely smooth and straight; most often, it resembles a rocky road, pockmarked with hard experiences and tough decisions. The same description often applies to our relationships with family members. Contrary to portrayals in popular media, having a loved one in need does not wash away past difficulties in families. Death-bed reconciliations are more rare than common. Indeed, the pain of past conflicts may actually intensify with the stress of caregiving.
One of the most extraordinarily important and difficult tasks of caregiving is learning to accept family members wherever they are on the caregiving journey.
The caregiver who has been present every day does not want to be cast aside when the long-distance family member arrives on the scene. Local caregivers may resent siblings who live long distances away and do not have to cope with the day-to-day changes and stresses. They may feel taken for granted or judged for their actions.
The long-distance caregiver often feels angry that decisions were made without him; she may feel guilt or despair because she was not able to enjoy special moments in the last months, weeks, or days of a loved one’s life. They may feel awkward at their lack of knowledge and ability to provide the care needed.
Each family member has their own abilities and limitations in this crucial time of need.
Each may be coping in the best manner they can in the current situation.
Each family member needs to examine the reason they are there: is it to care for the individual in need, is it to relieve the primary caregiver, or is it to forgive and seek forgiveness?
As hard as it may be, unresolved conflicts may need to go unresolved as a life one dies. We may need to discipline our hearts to accept, forgive, and create peace. And we have the right to expect these supportive emotions in return.
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