The Eighth Caregiver Right:

I have the right to protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my loved one no longer needs my full time help.

Caregivers often make a total commitment to caring for another.  They sacrifice their own lifestyles to provide for their loved ones, often giving up jobs, friends, other family members, their own homes, and even their own sense of self.  Their lives revolve around caring and comforting their loved one.  In a very real sense, the caregiver gives up their life for another, which is the ultimate act of love.

When the caregiving responsibilities are over, do caregivers feel a flood of relief?  Are they able to return quickly to “normal”? 

Ironically, for most caregivers, the answer is no.  More often than not, caregivers find themselves facing a period of profound adjustment and grieving.  

Sometimes, we grieve the loss of a former lifestyle that cannot be reclaimed easily, if ever; sometimes, we grieve the loss of caregiving responsibilities, which gave us a heightened sense of purpose; sometimes, we grieve the loss of a loved; and more often than most of us would care to admit, we are grieving all these losses at once.

Each of us grieves at our own pace; there is no “normal” pattern nor prescribed amount of time.  It is important to acknowledge the loss, to recall the happy and sad moments we have lived through, and to allow ourselves time to adjust, heal, and resolve unfinished issues.   We would be wise to expect feelings of loneliness, uselessness, frustration, anxiety, and anger during this process. 

The caregiving experience will always be part of us; we cannot simply “give it up.”   Many find that keeping a journal at this time of adjustment is helpful in putting the experience into context, reflecting on the new skills we’ve learned, and recording our actual healing.    

Finding the way back to a “regular” lifestyle is often a matter of taking small steps; making a minor change or trying a new activity each day that gives us a new sense of purpose.  Many of us will return “full time” to activities we once gave up or scaled back:  work, church functions, hobbies, friendships.  Others will begin new experiences:  returning to the workforce, an exercise class, or a volunteer activity.  Whatever path we take, our journeys will be eased if we have someone to share it with.  Perhaps calling an old friend or reaching out to an individual from a caregivers support group will encourage us and give us the companionship of a “fellow traveler.”   

Just as when they were providing care, caregivers must remember that they do not have to be alone.  They are part of an extraordinary and rapidly growing group of individuals who put another’s needs ahead of their own. They now need to learn how to reach out to each other.