Part of a continuing series.
I have the right to maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things just for myself.
Finding a way to steal 5 moments alone each day can be an incredible challenge for any family caregiver. Finding an hour or more outside the home too often feels like mission impossible.
Yet having the ability to be away from home for extended periods of time is absolutely vital for the family caregiver. A “refreshed” caregiver will ultimately be a more attentive (and less exhausted and frustrated) caregiver.
To maintain their own life (and sanity), the family caregiver must plan to have free time. Even though it will no longer come naturally or spontaneously, free time is possible. Let me suggest three simple steps:
· First, consider what was enjoyable to you before and what you would most like to do again. Was your favorite “time out” having dinner with friends, gardening in the yard, going to church services, window shopping at the local mall, or golfing with your league? Even in the best of times, our calendars don’t permit us to do everything our hearts desire, so pick your priority: which of these activities would mean the most to you now?
· Second, what plans need to be in place for you to succeed at this outing? Can your loved one be left alone for an extended period (one-to-three hours), or do you need to make arrangements for someone to stay with them? Will the individual have to assist with meals, medications, or treatments? What plans can you put into place to make this experience easy and comfortable for everyone involved?
· Finally, walk out the door without guilt. Leave specific instructions, contact numbers, and well-labeled medications before leaving the home. Inform everyone involved of the approximate time of your return. Take a fully charged cell phone with you as a security blanket -- but calling home should not become the focus of your time away. Discipline yourself to leave home mentally as well as physically. Treat this as a “time out” – respite for yourself.
When we as caregivers can articulate our needs for private time, and do just a bit of advance planning, things can actually work toward everyone’s best interests.
Let me share an example:
Ned was a kind and courteous elderly gentleman who was the sole caregiver for his wife, Lucy, who was beginning the last stages of Alzheimer’s disease. They had two adult children, one who lived locally and one who lived out of state. Their sons had successful careers and families of their own so they did not visit often but called regularly. Ned did not want to bother them by asking for any assistance; when he had attempted to in the past, he found that one of his children was always busy with other activities, and the other felt his mother should be placed in a facility. So Ned was determined to handle things on his own.
Lucy had begun to fall frequently and the need for constant vigilence was beginning to take a high toll on Ned’s health. Their doctor recommended hospice for additional support for both Lucy and Ned. I had been involved with them for several weeks and while Lucy was adjusting well to our interventions, Ned began to appear more and more depressed; at times, he was angry that strangers seemed to care more about Lucy than her family did. A vital part of hospice is caring for the caregiver, so each visit to their home also included time with Ned to evaluate his needs, concerns and well being.
In one of these conversations, I asked Ned what he missed most. His immediate reply was, “I just want to be able to go to Mass again but the kids are all busy and I can’t leave Lucy alone that long.” I offered to come over that Sunday and sit with Lucy so he could go to Mass reassured that she was safe. He hesitated but finally agreed. It was an easy wish for me to fulfill. Ned went to Mass reassured that Lucy was safe at home. When he returned from Mass, I could immediately observe that his demeanor had significantly improved, and that his anxieties were eased. We chatted and I offered to do the same for him the following Sunday, only this time I told him to stay and enjoy the community spirit of coffee and doughnuts that followed the services. He laughed and cried at my insistence.
This simple act promoted important changes to their family, as well. When Ned’s son found out that the nurse was willing to come and stay with his mother on her day off, he and his daughter began to offer to do the same each Sunday. This brought an even greater measure of peace and joy to Ned.
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