The Fifth Caregiver Right

I have the right to reject any attempts by my loved one (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt, and/or depression.

Sometimes when our loved ones face uncontrollable illness and medical regimes, they seek to control their environment by controlling us. 

As family caregivers we need to learn to set boundaries to protect our own health and well-being – and we need to free ourselves from guilt trips.  It is acceptable to say no to unreasonable requests made by our loved ones and well-meaning family members and friends. 

Some unreasonable requests start gradually and innocently:  the expectation that you can accommodate every friend, family, or neighbor who wishes to come for a visit.  But left unchecked, these expectations can grow into enormous stressors for the caregiver.  As the holiday season approaches, “special requests” may intensify:  our loved ones might expect us to prepare and host Thanksgiving dinner just as we always have, or to maintain our holiday shopping practices.  We need to give ourselves a break: the caregiver does not need to maintain an open-door policy for every visitor or overnight guest, and you have the right to say you can no longer maintain every holiday tradition. 

It is important to be alert to attempts to manipulate us, as innocent as they may be.  When a loved one is hurting, it is easy to succumb to the pressure to say yes to everything, in the hope of staving off their depression.  But following this pattern leads to simmering resentments and caregiver depression -- feelings that interfere with the ability to provide nurturing care.  When caregivers frenetically try to plan the perfect holiday, they often find themselves run down, susceptible to colds and flu, and unable to render any care at all. 

One case in particular still troubles me, because the caregiver’s assent to an unreasonable request worsened another relationship in her family:

Rose was an elderly woman who lived with her daughter, Donna, and her son-in-law.  Rose was suffering from a circulatory problem in her left foot.  The doctors had discussed the options very honestly with her:  Rose needed surgery to correct the problem or the condition would worsen and lead to pain, infection, and loss of life.

Every day, Rose fluctuated:  should she have the surgery at 90, or should she just allow the condition to run its natural course?  Rose would ask Donna over and over again what she should do.   Donna was beside herself:  she did not want to make this decision for her mother, despite her mother’s persistent attempts to get her to do so.   

As the days progressed, Rose would not leave her recliner, demanding the full attention of her daughter and refusing to care for herself in any way despite being fully capable. 

But Rose was not the only family member in need.  Donna’s daughter lived out of state and was soon to become a mother for the first time.  She wanted Donna with her, and Donna desperately wanted to be there.   But Rose was having none of that.  She demanded that Donna not leave her with anyone else. Donna was torn, depressed, and angry.  

Ultimately, Donna conceded to Rose’s demands.  She stayed home with her mother while her husband went to the birth of the first grandchild.  Donna’s daughter was very angry at her mother’s decision – but her anger did not extend to her grandmother’s unreasonable demand.