One day several years ago, I stopped in after work to help with the caregiving responsibilities as my mother was recuperating from a total knee replacement. When I entered the usually organized and immaculate kitchen, I was surprised to find a half dozen post-it notes attached to each cabinet door. The notes read; “pills, cups, soup bowls, napkins…” I quickly and quietly pulled my father aside and asked him what was going on, his reply was humorous but not surprising; “Your mother told me she would not tell me where another thing was in this kitchen, I would just have to find it for myself.” Knowing both my parents, it was easy to understand that my father had asked repeatedly where the same item was and my mother frustrated with the new limitations she was experiencing had reached the end of her patience.
My dad had also been forbidden from washing any of her clothing, he begged me daily to please wash the items as my mother would not be happy to see the soiled clothes in the basement. I reassured him that this was one concern he did not have to worry about as Mom could not yet maneuver the cellar steps and she would not be happy if I washed a load for just one or two items.
By the end of the second week, the constant togetherness had become a great source of irritability, especially for my mother. Prior to the surgery, they were used enjoying different activities individually and as a couple. Dad was now afraid to leave her alone and she was not used to perpetual companionship. On Friday, I arrived and relieved Dad from his caregiving duties in time for the local high school football game. His car was not even out of the driveway before my mother asked 2 things of me-- to go and get her an apple dumpling from the local ice cream shoppe and to not rush back-- she really wanted and needed some time alone.
While these experiences are humorous in the re-telling, similar events occur in many households across the nation. Older couples, especially those whose lives began in the depression-era and bloomed into marriage and families in the post-World War II years, learned to act in certain predetermined roles and in the homes of many elderly residents these roles remain intact. Men worked outside the home, repaired the cars and mowed the grass while women carried the responsibilities of housework and child-rearing. Even when both worked outside the home as my parents did, the woman was twice as likely to provide the care inside the house.
This division of labor functions well for many couples until illness or injury affects their usual routines. Reversing roles and learning new tasks is often difficult and sometimes overwhelming. The wife who never drove or the husband who never managed the household budget could face impossible obstacles. The other spouse may express anger or depression related to the unavoidable changes in lifestyle.
Often as in the case of a planned procedure or a slow progressing illness, the changes that will need to occur can be learned at a reasonable pace, instructions can be written or additional outside assistance can be arranged. Once mastered, the new skills should not always be relinquished to the recuperated owner of the responsibility, sharing the tasks may be possible. On the other hand, the caregiver should not be quick to assume duties that the individual can still complete. The benefits of the team approach in caregiving may make the obstacles feel less insurmountable.
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