Boomerang Caregiving

            Beware and be warned:  the “boomerang” kids are coming back to you!  “Boomerang” is the name given to adult children who return home to live with their parents.  The phenomenon is so prevalent that it has spawned other colorful new labels, like  “the never-emtpy nest” and “adultolscence” to name just two.

            According to Pew Research in 2010, 13% of American parents said one of their adult children had returned home to live in the past year.  Another survey estimates that 40% of 2006 college graduates are still living at home; other surveys estimate that anywhere from 25 million to 80 million adult children are living with their parents now, temporarily or permanently.

            More adult children, particularly in their 20s, are returning to the nest because of joblessness; unemployment among 20-24 years old is 15%, much higher than our national average of about 9%.  Some adult kids come home because of crippling debt, especially medical debt; even a single accident or hospitalization can plunge an uninsured or under-insured individual into bankruptcy.  Other children return home because of relationship instability (primarily marital break-ups); or physical and emotional issues.

While causes may vary, one thing is clear:  when boomerangers return to the nest, stress on every family member increases.  Parents find themselves plunged into new caregiving responsibilities…even as they may be struggling with pre-existing caregiving responsibilities.  The return of the boomerangers also introduces financial strains on the parents, including depletion of their savings and deferral of their retirement dreams.

And those responsibilities and pressures multiply when the adult child moves home with his/her own kids, pets, and personal problems.

How can family members make the best of boomranging?

·        Establish terms and conditions before move-in day.  Consider it a boomer “prenuptial” agreement.   A great deal of family friction can be avoided if parents and adult children agree up front on issues like:  what are the expectations for the length of stay? what are the roles and responsibilities of each family member (including household chores)?  How are costs to be shared?  Are there /limits on guests, use of cars, smoking, drinking?

·        Charge room and board.  Even children who return home because of debt need to return to self-sufficiency as quickly as possible, to the degree possible. Charging even a modest amount encourages self-respect and self-discipline.  And if no monetary payment is possible, they should pay with in-kind services.

·        Don’t bail out their bills.  When our children struggle, our first instinct is to step in.  Too many parents put themselves into debt attempting to help their children.  Community centers, churches,  and other volunteer organizations offer no-cost financial counseling, including debt consolidation and restructuring.  In the long term, your children are better served by finding their own way out of debt.

·        Let go of your parental role.  No matter how needy, adult children should not return to us as dependent children.  Be careful not to step into old roles, like cooking every meal for them or doing their laundry.  While you should set boundaries for your home (“no smoking inside the house”) and your time (“we aren’t babysitting your kids every weekend”), you must not infantilize grown children.  You don’t have the right to set curfews or read their email.

·        Ensure professional caregiving continues, when necessary.  Adult children who return home with emotional, physical, or substance abuse problems continue to need professional care.  If a child returns home with marital problems, encourage marital or family counseling.  The home environment must be supportive of professional caregiving, not a substitute for it. 

·        Solve problems quickly.  When problems arise – including breaks in the prenegotiated “contract” -- come together quickly and raise issues honestly and constructively.  Be sure the problem gets resolved, not just discussed.

·        Communicate!  Living together does not ensure good communications (remember when they were teenagers?)  You don’t need to communicate everything you are thinking, but at the same time you can’t assume that good communication patterns “naturally” develop. It will take mutual commitment.

·        Know when it is time for them to leave.  Ideally, you’ve established the exit strategy before they move-in, but if your situation changes, if their situation changes, or if household rules are being violated, it’s time to go back to the negotiating table. And, if you see that your kids are staying long past the crisis that bounced them back into your nest, you need to jointly determine a firm move-out date.