Am I the Only One Who Cares?

Caregiving often feels like a very lonely experience.  If you are an only child or your siblings live in distant states this sentiment can be very real, but what if you feel alone in this journey and your siblings live nearby?

Siblings inherit labels within a family as they progress through life:  the oldest one, the smart one, the pretty one, the youngest one, the favorite one.  All too often, these labels become self-fulfilling prophesies, as siblings begin to live up to (or down to) their assigned roles.  And each role can also affect how siblings react to each other.

When our parents begin to decline, unresolved feelings and resentments can increase tensions between siblings and reignite old rivalries.  Adult sibling rivalry can have a great effect on the quality and quantity of caregiving that is provided for aging parents. 

If you believe you and your siblings are suffering from these tensions, communication is critical to resolving tensions:     

• Hold family meetings with all of the siblings (even if some siblings can only participate by phone or Skype)
• If you can’t get past old wounds, table them for now.  This is not the time to bring up the Christmas argument from 10 years ago.  Maintain civility and focus energies on the needs of your parent(s).
• Allow each sibling an opportunity to address the situation without interrupting, criticizing, or judging.  You might even use an hourglass or kitchen timer to ensure everyone gets equal time.
• Develop a plan that includes those who want to share in the responsibilities of providing care; be specific as to what is needed, who will do it, and when they will do it.  Siblings who do not volunteer should be encouraged respectfully; “Tom, can you put out the trash on Tuesdays?”   It is usually not productive to attempt to force someone to do something they do not want to do; they may decide to become involved at a later date.
• Keep lines of communication open between all involved parties
• Be prepared for disagreements and plan in advance how you will resolve them (for example, if two or more siblings disagree, commit to holding a family meeting).
• Be sensitive that everyone reacts differently to similar circumstances

Sharing the caregiving experience can decrease the burden on everyone and deepen the bond between siblings.  The heightened needs of an ailing/aging parent are an opportunity to open hearts to healing.  That requires mutual respect, however:  not every sibling can assume every role; not everyone can comfortably assist with personal hygiene needs and not everyone can navigate complicated financial responsibilities.  But everyone can have an important role.

Feelings of unequal responsibilities can create friction and anger between siblings and between the caregiver and parent.  In most “group” caregiving arrangements, responsibilities will be unevenly divided.   As hard as it is, the focus must be on everyone doing what they can, not everyone doing the same amount.  When siblings are scattered across other states, they can still provide support in many ways:  financial assistance, home visits to relieve the primary caregiver, and continuous emotional support.  The  sibling who lives close by might feel worn out and exhausted, and the sibling who lives far away may feel alone and guilty that other responsibilities keep them away.  Both feelings are valid and the key to enduring them is frequent, honest, constructive communication.

.