Are You Still Listening?

Yesterday I shared a caregiving story about listening. Today I read something interesting enough to make me want to stay on this topic. Did you know that an estimated 45 percent of a typical workday is spent listening? I’m willing to assert that about 65 percent of a caregiver’s day is spent listening.

Listening is as important a tool in caregiving as providing meals and meds. Listening can improve the quality of care we provide, it can calm anxiety, and it can lead to important discoveries. Yet listening with the intent to care does not always come easily or naturally. When we have too many responsibilities, we can find ourselves short-cutting our listening time. We may find ourselves distracted, defensive, or impassively hearing, without truly understanding. All too often, our minds may wander to what we have to do next (or what we want to say next, when it’s our turn.)

So let me share some of my personal ideas about listening as a caregiver, to caregivers:

• Listening in an active and interactive art. When we listen actively, we are listening with genuine interest, and for genuine understanding. We are actively looking for meaning in what we are hearing. We might even paraphrase or restate what we’ve heard before we attempt to respond.
• Be fully present in your listening time with a caregiver. Be prepared to block out distractions – including your own voice. If you want to listen, you have to be prepared to stop talking! That includes turning off your inner monologue (the nagging internal voice that says stuff like, “Wow. How long is this going to take?” or “I’ve heard all of this before.”) Turn off the TV, radio, and computer. Close the door and be alone; caregiver to caregiver, caregiver to loved one. Create a listening space.
• Listen with your eyes. Respectful listening requires steady, focused eye contact on the speaker. When we listen with our eyes, we can pick up important caregiver cues that help put the message in context—is the speaker returning our gaze? Is he smiling? What is his body posture? Good listeners – like good caregivers -- telegraph respect by maintaining full eye contact. Think about the last time you saw a doctor or nurse who was busier recording notes on a chart than looking at you as you described your symptoms. (Core truth: the moment the listener looks distracted, the speaker starts to shut down.)
• Listen with your heart. If we are listening with the intent to care, we are withholding judgment. We are listening with the express purpose of understanding, caring, and helping. That means we don’t interrupt the caregiver to point out holes in his logic; we don’t expect a distressed caregiver to offer us coherent sentences; we don’t counsel the caregiver “not to worry about that.” Our goal is simply to achieve shared meaning and offer empathetic support. We accept what the caregiver is saying and feeling – not what we think they should be saying and feeling.
• Concentrate on emotional language. Can you discern what the caregiver is feeling as she speaks? What does her tone convey? Is she emphasizing certain words, or avoiding other words? Is she sighing repeatedly? The most effective listeners pay attention to what is being said, how it is being said, and what is not being said.
• Highly evolved listeners have a secret ingredient: silence. Sometimes, the most important response you can offer a caregiver is silence. The kind of silence that signals you have fully absorbed what they are saying. The kind of silence that says you take her words seriously. The kind of silence that affirms what she is feeling. The kind of silence that says, “I’m here to listen and support, not to solve.” Many of the things a caregiver will experience have no solutions; much of what a caregiver confides to us is so precious and personal that no words of response are necessary.
• Laughter and tears are both acceptable responses. It is okay to laugh when a caregiver describes a situation that is genuinely funny. Humor doesn’t stop when health does. It is also okay to join a caregiver’s tears. Empathetic listening means we respond with our feelings, not just our voices. The word empathy is derived from the Greek word empatheia, or passion/affection.

What listening tips or techniques work best for you as a caregiver…or as the caregiver to a caregiver? I’m listening….