Where Strength is Found

About two weeks ago, my mother was talking to me over the telephone while she was observing my Dad during his physical therapy session; her anger with his inability to walk as the therapist instructed was palpable during the conversation.  Dad was complaining of being dizzy, winded and needing to rest then less than a day later he was back in the hospital.  His blood pressure and oxygen levels were very low because of dehydration; the very reason for his dizziness and shortness of breathe the day before.  I was upset with my mother’s frustration because in actuality Dad was not avoiding therapy but was very ill again. 

As we waited in the emergency room with Dad, I witnessed my Mom turn away from his bedside and actually tremble-- with fear--at the severity of his condition.  Anyone else could be expected to react in this manner considering the events of these past weeks but it was very atypical for my mother.  My Mom had always been the “strong one” and when we were children often heard her comment when faced with adversity; “I am not scared of shit!” and she never seemed to falter.   Somehow she always managed keep us safe and herself visibly strong through whatever the current crisis was.

I remember when as an adult struggling through my own personal problems and not feeling certain about much, asking Mom about her ability to stay so strong in stressful situations and she explained often being very frightened.  But Mom felt that if she let herself weaken in even the smallest way then everything else would fall apart.  She was using this same coping mechanism to get through what has been an incredibly difficult time with my Dad’s illness, surgery and recuperation.  Mom was using her anger; believing that if she did not weaken or let my father see her falter then he would push harder towards recovery. 

It was not until later that night as I was driving home that I had the opportunity to contemplate the past few days; recalling Mom’s normal coping mechanism was to use anger to find strength.   I was also very disappointed with myself for not remembering this earlier as just the day before I had admonished my Mom for her lack of compassion.        

Stress can bring out the best -- and worst -- in any of us.  The added factors of age, fatigue, severity and duration of the crisis, past experiences and available support systems can effect how we react.  Many individuals are able to learn new ways of coping through focused effort and the gift of time but most of us will rely on well-learned and practiced coping mechanisms in times of severe crises.