Immeasurable Losses

Waking this morning to the news of the death of Osama bin Laden brought many emotions to the forefront in our nation; we exhaled a sigh of relief, we stood taller in our sense of pride of our intelligence and military communities and we felt the pain of loss anew from that morning in September nearly 10 years ago.

In the months following September 11, 2001; I was working at a hospice in Virginia answering emergency calls every night.  Those long hours are often the hardest for caregivers; their loved one is asleep and they cannot rest -- concerns, fears, anxieties and often pain-- prevent sleep from coming.  Many calls I received were from these individuals who had any variety of questions or concerns and often needed a compassionate listener who would offer guidance and support without judgment.

One such caller was Joseph.  He began to call weekly asking for advice in caring for his loved one who was rapidly progressing through the later stages of Alzheimer’s disease.  After a few calls, he shared more of his personal experiences as a caregiver.  Joseph was caring for his mother-in-law but he felt she was more like a mother to him as he had known her since he was a small child.  One night, he tearfully shared that his wife had been a passenger on the plane that crashed into the Pentagon on that fateful day and his sister-in-law had been one of those killed the same day while working in the Pentagon.  I had no words except to say “I am sorry” as I was in tears too.  Each day, his mother-in-law greeted him with the same question, “Where are the girls?”   His grief could never take the next step in the healing process after such a devastating loss.  Joseph’s impending loss of his mother-in-law would also be very difficult to bear as she was the last link to the bond he had shared since childhood.   

Caregiving in and of itself is incredibly stressful.  Unfortunately, there are many additional causes of stress and grief that enter our lives without regard for the rigors of caregiving.  We need to offer each other support every day just as we did those suffering grave losses nearly a decade ago.